Stella got approved for respite. I wanted respite, as I feel there are some things I just need to do with the older girls that I can just not do when Stella is with us.
But now that we have been approved for respite, I am panicking. I am feeling guilty like I am trying to pawn my child off on someone else so life can be a bit easier for ME.
Sophie is in preschool now and that gives me some time alone with just Stella. But now that I have been given respite, I am being asked for what days I want the respite. Really, all I wanted was a day or two in the afternoon (when Stella naps) so that I could take Olivia and Sophie somewhere without having to worry about Stella licking floors, climbing up somewhere that I can't reach, or having her reach out and scratch some innocent little kids leg or arm as they pass by because she is over stimulated by all the noise.
I want to be able to sign Olivia up for gymnastics and to not have to bring all of the girls with me. Cause like I stated above, Stella is busy and I just want to focus on Olivia if I am taking her to gymnastics.
We were given 240 hours a year, so about 20 hours a month! Now, if I can mix in developmental aide WITH respite then I can totally see us using up those hours. But if we can't.....here is where I am panicking, feeling guilty, regretting asking for respite! Because if we don't use up those hours, then the next time we renew our contract with FSCD, we may not get any respite hours!
So this is currently where I am right now. I am trying to figure out how and when we are going to use respite. I know that I may be over reacting but I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed at what seems like all the new help that Stella seems to need. I am panicking that I am not doing enough for her. Yet at the same time with all this new "stuff" I am trying to get done for her I feel like I am losing valuable time with her. Time that I should be spending with her, not anyone else. I am trying to find balance and I am just struggling.
Hopefully I will gain some perspective over the next few days.